Mama, you’re not alone.
Though, I know it feels like you are.
You talk to your partner about your feelings of inadequacy, naivety, emptiness, and your broken heart. But, they don’t know what you feel. They just see you crying, empty, and trying to piece together your broken heart.
Even if the pregnancy was a surprise, the feeling that you lost the baby that you didn’t know you wanted creates a hole in your heart, your body, and your soul. Heck, even if it wasn’t wanted… I can imagine you still have some of these feelings.
My Story
Three days before Christmas I went in to my seven-week ultrasound to see my newest little addition. I couldn’t wait to see the heart beat flutter across the monitor, share with the doctor my feelings of morning sickness and fatigue, and get a photo to share with my friends and family that this holiday season we were celebrating life and love.
When I walked into my appointment, knowing what to see on the screen as I thought back to my first two babies, the silence of the ultrasound technician was loud enough. Her words “I see the yolk sac… The doctor will discuss the results with you and answer your questions in a few minutes” played on repeat for the next fifteen minutes as I patiently waited for the doctor to confirm my fears.
“It’s likely a miscarriage. But we’ll check your bloodwork and you can come back in next week and we will check to see if anything new has developed.”
A miscarriage?
The thought never crossed my mind. I had two perfectly healthy babies. Two textbook pregnancies and deliveries, how could my body fail me on this one?
I left alone. My husband didn’t think he needed to come with me to this appointment. Why would he? We had healthy babies?
I cried through my bloodwork.
I cried making my next appointment.
And in my car for an hour.
I cried the whole drive home.
I cried every day.
My Doctor’s Response
On my following appointment, my husband came with me. We knew that it was unlikely anything would change, so I had prepared myself a bit, mentally.
But I wasn’t prepared for the doctor’s response.
“It’s called a blighted ovum.
There’s three ways we can handle it…
Option One
We wait for your body to make the miscarriage complete. Your body still thinks its pregnant because the sac is intact. So your body will continue to produce hormones to keep the ‘baby’ growing… even though we can see the empty sac in the ultrasound. By waiting for your body to catch up, you just don’t know when it’s going to happen. You may be out and about, at a New Year’s party, or wake up in the middle of the night soaked in blood.
Option Two
We speed the process up with some pills that you can put in your vagina. These typically work within 24-48 hours. You can plan to take it easy, be home, and rest.
Option Three
We ‘get it over with’ and have a surgical procedure, a D&C, to essentially scrape the cells, tissue, and everything out of your body. This gives you the most control.
And, with the other two options, this procedure is still likely going to happen because sometimes all of the tissue isn’t removed completely from your body naturally.”
My jaw fell open. Not only do I no longer have the baby I was excited to welcome into our family growing inside me, but now I need to speed along the process and likely have an invasive procedure to scrape the baby that didn’t grow out of my body.
The hole in my heart grew wider.
After It’s Complete
The thought of my body expelling this baby I hoped to someday hold in my arms was terrifying. Actually receiving the medication and experiencing my abdomen cramp, my back ache in uncomfortable pain, and my vagina bleed clots the size of grapes ripped my heart open even wider.
Feeling my oldest daughter kiss my belly and say “bye baby brother” (not confirmed) broke me.
And now, I’m left with the pieces to pick up, put back together, and try to move forward with the new year, goals I have for myself and my family, and recover.
I took two weeks off to recover, mourn my loss, and feel deeply everything I needed to feel and evaluate in my life and for my family.
I am also choosing to believe that this miscarriage happened because of something greater coming in the future, or for an unknown reason that God is protecting me and my family from discovering.
Additionally, I am choosing to believe that God knows that this time for me and Larry, financially, is not the right time to be welcoming another little one- as much as we know we would have figured it out like we’ve done before.
I am choosing to take action to get our family’s financials, house, and needs in a better place for the time that God decides is right for our family to welcome “baby brother.”
As you know, I don’t have all of the answers since I am still recovering and trying to find my way. But I will certainly continue to share my highs and my lows with you.
Societal Expectations
As a mama, we are always juggling a mile-long to do list. Especially around the holidays, the list gets longer and the needs of our loved ones get stronger, what do you do when you are defeated, broken, and empty… And life still needs to go on?
Subsequently, most moms cry their heart out in the shower, put on a smile and a pretty face of makeup, and block it out of your thoughts so you can move on with the day.
What We Should Do When Mourning
Mama, I want you to…
- I want you to cry your heart out. I want you to know that it is okay to mourn the loss of the baby you didn’t get to know.
- I want you to take time to rest. Your body is having a difficult time right now, and you do not need to be busy. Rely on your village to take care of the kids that you may already have while you take the time to take care of yourself.
- I want you to eat anything that makes you feel good. It’s okay to do this. We can always get on track again later, after you’ve healed.
- I want you to make the decision that feels right to you. The way that you decide to move forward with your miscarriage is your choice and your choice alone. Do not allow yourself to feel like you’re making the wrong decision, or feel shamed into making a decision that doesn’t feel right to you.
- You may decide a D&C procedure is the best thing for you to recover quickly, mourn your loss, and move forward with your life.
- You may feel that waiting for your body to handle the procedure naturally is best for your mental health.
- You may feel that the pills are a happy medium- to move the procedure along while also allowing your body to take control.
- Whatever you decide, it is your decision and your loved ones should support your decision either way.
- I want you to feel like it’s okay to talk about it. Miscarriage is far more common than we think it is, and almost every woman in your life has likely experienced the feeling. Talk about it. Mourn the loss of your baby. And find community in the deepest of holes.
Despite all of the feelings you’re experiencing, mama. You’re not alone. I hope that my story helps you to feel like you can talk about your unborn baby, too. My hope is that it helps you to feel more comfortable talking about one of the most heartbreaking moments of your life. I hope that this story helps you to take the time that you need to mourn, recover, and move forward.
Come Join Our Community
And, if you ever want to talk about your feelings, share your story with a community of compassionate women, or feel supported in your decision join our community of amazing mom-preneurs here at Making Mommy Moves with Lyss Morton or send me a dm on Instagram @lyss.morton.
And, for more motherhood content, make sure to tune in to the Making Mommy Moves Show every Monday & Friday.
Alyssa and Larry 😢